It’s been 2 weeks since we broke up and although it is only a day and a half since I last saw him, I miss him. The rational part of my brain knows that I cannot give him the excitement he craves from his friends and social life and that the craving to be free of relationship bonds will always cause strife. Yet, my heart still yearns for him.
I have been reading Pema Chodron’s book; When Things Fall Apart. In it she talks about how hope, which is universally thought to be a good thing keeps us from fully accepting life as it really is in this moment. For long as we believe that it is the current situation that is making us unhappy rather than understanding it is our attachment or aversion to the eight worldly dharmas (pleasure and pain, loss and gain, fame and disgrace and praise and blame) that is causing us unhappiness, we will keep suffering .
She also talks about fear and particularly the fear of death that drive us to do what we do. Most people would deny that fear of death drives them this way, but she says death is not merely the passing of our lives, but rather the ending of all worldly things. Fear of losing a job, a loved one, a relationship, a home, money, security; we are all driven by a need for certainty in a world where there is none.
I love him, and my actions and words to date have been driven by the fear I will lose him and the beautiful moments we have shared. Yet, by it’s very nature, the good times and the bad times are temporary and will arise and fade away to arise and fade away many times more. It is us that can’t seem to grasp this fact and feel greedy and want to hold onto the beautiful moments and avoid the strife, however subtly implied in the other’s actions or words.
We both love Ajhan Brahm’s story of the Tiger and the Snake. A man is being chased by a tiger, sees a well and decides to jump in to save himself. The well is dry but he managed to grab hold of a tree root and save himself. Then he finds there is a snake at the bottom of the well, hissing at him. And if that wasn’t enough, two mice, one black and one white start nibbling at the root, further endangering his precarious hold. The tiger meanwhile rubs his backside against the tree trunk and dislodges some honey from a overhanging beehive. The honey drips into the well and the man sticks his tongue out and catches some on it and goes “mmm”. This story is an analogy of life. Our lives are always in chaos and under threat, with the black and white mice of day and night nibbling away at it. Rather than worry about all that is inherent about life, we should savour the good moments or the honey with the knowledge that everything is temporary.
This space I share with my ex bf is very much a temporary one..we are taking it day by day. I cannot grieve for what we had to what might have been, but just enjoy what we share right now. Again as Ajhan Brahm says, when we look at life and say this is where I am and this where I want to be and struggle mightily to get there; we forget we have a second choice. That is to bring where I want to be to where I am right now. In other words, fully accept the present moment and all that it holds as if I had chosen it to be so.