I went to see my ex bf yesterday. It was only supposed to be for an hour or so before I headed off to a Course on Tibetan Buddhism. Despite my best intentions the conversation deteriorated into fireworks and I could not leave while things were so bad between us. I abandoned all thoughts of going to my evening appointment and stayed for a cup of tea. I read a chapter from Pema Chodron’s book to him on the 6 kinds of loneliness and we connected as we always do at the intellectual level.
That connection eventually led to a beautiful night of connected intimacy as good as anything we have ever shared. I decided to sample the beautiful moment and live in the now rather than worry where we were going with getting connected again intimately. However, when morning came it seemed pertinent to ask how come he decided to reconnect in that manner. His answer was that as far as he was concerned we were still broken up and where we were going was unknown.
We spent an hour over breakfast mired in our usual conversation about how he didn’t think he could ever give up his friends or the freedom he desired and my trying convince him that all I needed from his was his loyalty and for him to make me safe about our relationship; that it wasn’t the friendships that were the problem. I tried again to explain even he wouldn’t date himself in terms of what he was offering. And he laughingly agreed. He even conceded that he wouldn’t trust any of the three women friends he was close to, to go off on holiday with a guy and stay faithful if he had been dating any of them.
When I left this morning, he looked sad and worn out and completely stressed. I came home and thought about it for a bit and decided if truly I loved him, then I had to stop trying convince him that it was a good idea to be in a relationship with me. Despite my many attempts to convince him, he remained blind. Part of me thinks it is willful blindness, but another more compassionate part knows he simply does not have the level of awareness to see through into who I really am and he lacks the imagination to see the possibilities of a life together. He told me this morning, he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life at home with me.
Any attempt to try and explain how I am feeling and where I was coming from triggered his defensiveness, so he never actually hears me and I end up arguing at his level. Very very occasionally, he would catch glimpses of the truth and those moments were very inspiring. But they take so much work and the residue of the arguments wearies us both and leaves him with the impression the suffering is all my fault.
It is a no win situation and I have to realise that it is not my job to open his eyes. He will live up to his true potential someday. I have to accept that it is not going to be with me.