I had a tough decision to make and I finally made the call last night. My ex bf and I aren’t going anywhere and the more time we spent together, the more attached I am becoming to him. We have a session booked with the therapist this Thursday and since Sunday night, I have been contemplating the idea of saying my final goodbye after that was over. However much I believe we have the potential to learn and grow from each other into a relationship like no other we have ever had, I have to accept that his wish is to be free.
It brings to mind one of my favourite sayings from my teen years; “if you love something, set it free, it it was yours, it will come back to you”. This time though, I have to let go that slightest wish that he will find his way back to me and just get on with my life.
I felt very unsettled this morning and could only find comfort by making sense of my end of year accounts. Finally getting my numbers to balance gave me the illusion that at least a part of my life is under control. The truth is, I am ignoring the obvious discomfort of stepping into the unknown future. I have this huge urgency to run away from anything and everything, to reinvent myself completely and start again. The knowing part of me knows that is not a solution, I am only distracting myself from the pain for it to resurface at another time.
Underneath all of this, there is a more concrete thought that I want the normal trappings of life less and less. The only thing keeping me anchored on the worldly realm is my son. While he still needs me, I can’t sell up and move somewhere to lead a more spiritual life.
When I think of the weekends ahead and the emptiness they contain, I feel very very sad. I had been feeling less and less social all the way through last year. Normal friendships had lost their meaning and friends that didn’t really get my spirituality were hard to connect with when all they talked about was their families and houses and jobs. Even entertainment in its usual forms of movies and books and theater had started to lose their appeal.
One thing is certain; I do want to keep moving in this direction of less material wealth, less complications and simplicity so that I can concentrate on knowing myself. And perhaps in a sea of change, that can be the beacon that keeps me on an even keel.