I said my final goodbyes to my ex bf last night. We were meant to see the therapist, but somehow, we got our wires crossed and she didn’t turn up for her appointment. I had meant to say a quick goodbye and leave after the session ended, but with the reason for meeting gone, we decided to go for a drive and an ice-cream at the beach.
We had listened to a podcast on Ending Conflict by Ajhan Brahm on the way there and sat in the car looking out over the ocean to listen to the rest of it. But I noticed my companion drifting off to sleep and suggested we go get the ice-creams. We were talking about what Ajhan Brahm was saying how conflict or arguments were perfect given they were part of life itself and to try and find a conflict free relationship was in fact rejecting life. This somehow led to him bringing up my finding fault with something he had said to me a few weeks ago on text about how he wanted to go swimming at his friend’s pool with his sons one weekday evening, but how he couldn’t because I would worry about him visiting one of his female friends. I only saw the text about half an hour later, when it was too late for them to go.
I suggested instead of rejecting my reaction as invalid he try and understand why I got upset. That was a revealing experience. It took about half an hour of intense to and fro before he understood my being upset had valid grounds; he had pre-judged my reaction and because I only saw the text after the opportunity was past, I was left with the responsibility of their missing what we later realised was the last swim of the season on an exceptionally hot day. It was unfair burden, but one I carried nonetheless. He put up so many barriers in the form of words to everything I said, almost as if he was a young child sticking his fingers in his ears and chanting…I can’t hear you…
This man has beautiful empathy when I feel sad, yet he refuses to walk in my shoes when I am trying to put across how I feel in a rational, unemotional manner. He scoffs as what he calls my “stories”, as I try yet another way to explain how I am feeling. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he tells me I cause constant conflict. I hope he understood even a little bit after the breakthrough last night that it is his barriers that is causing part of the conflict and if he could truly listen to me setting aside his defenses, then I would have my say and not need to be the “human battering ram” I turn into to try and get through. I have a feeling however that part of him does it knowingly; most of my feelings are based on rational arguments and if he listened, I think he knows he would be hard pressed to continue to behave in the manner he insists on behaving.
This is the last chapter of our relationship. I will keep writing this blog to express my own spiritual journey if and when I feel the urge. Thank you for reading.