I have been reading The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer and learning how blockages of energy inside us that are unresolved emotions from the past cause us to leave our higher states of consciousness and identify with our mind. For me, I know like for many others, the emotion is fear. Fear of being abandoned, fear of being cheated on, fear of being lied to, fear of feeling disconnected. And like a thorn on my side that I have not taken out, I do everything I can to control my outer environment to ensure that nothing touches that thorn and cause further hurt.
When I was in my last relationship, a lot of conflict that originated from me came from this place of wanting to control everything in order not to press on that thorn called fear. And I picked someone who had a history of cheating and being dishonest with his partners; someone incapable of owning up to what he did once he had strayed. On top of it all, I picked someone who constantly fought with me to keep his freedom to mix socially with other women without me being present. And even now, a week after I parted ways with him and more than a month after we officially ended our relationship, my shoulders clench up from that fear when I think about the many arguments we had. I now accept that he came into my life so that I could resolve these old blockages from my life and while the journey has been painful, there was a purpose to it. There is a lot of work that remains to be done for me to move forward and be free.
Singer describes the way forward to letting go to be firmly seated in that higher state of consciousness, where you witness the fear when it comes up and dis-identifying with it. If you identify with it, then you fall into a lower state of consciousness. And when you act or speak from that state of consciousness, you drag the other person down with you where they act from their place of fear. This can cycle many times until some people live the rest of their lives from that fearful place, reenacting the same drama over and over again. By dis-identifying, he means to know that the “you” who is watching or witnessing is the subject and the fear you are experiencing is just that; an experience or object and is not you.
In the last weeks of my relationship, I started disengaging when some of the familiar arguments came up. But they were about peripheral issues, not the core ones that threaten my particular thorn. That experience has however given me insight into how I can choose to let go when I recognize the familiar patterns of thought emerging.