Change

It’s everywhere. It’s Autumn in the Southern Hemisphere and the weather has been getting noticeably cooler in the last day or so. Much like my life. It took another two weeks to tidy up the scraggly ends of my relationship as the therapist offered us a free session to make up for the one we missed. In a way, it provided clarity and closure for me as she made it clear that he had not been committed to a relationship right from the start and that was what caused a lot of the strife. I had spent 6 months on a relationship that didn’t actually exist. We had some great times and I got to know a pretty cool guy, but you can’t have a relationship with a man who hasn’t woken up to his own heart.

Last weekend, I went on a Buddhist Meditation Retreat. It acted as the doorway to transition from being with him to my single life and I am really glad I went. I had never meditated for more than half an hour before, but I managed to make it through two and a half days of the residential retreat while embracing the 8 precepts. I have been meditating morning and night since then and it has helped me stay present.

I have also given in to my longing to run away and have started looking at houses about 10 minutes from here. I know..that’s not really running away. Not just any house though..the one I have my heart set on is one with amazing views out of almost every room. Lots of phone calls to the bank and estate agents to try to get the financing sorted. I had hoped to keep my current house as a rental and buy the new place, but the bank has said no. As a last ditch effort, I have asked them to provide temporary financing to bid at the auction next week and to be allowed to sell my current home in the next three months. I find out tomorrow if that has been approved.

I always thought a house by the sea was out of my reach on my own. I have this huge affinity for the ocean and dream of living the rest of my days looking out over the water. For a long time, I had thought the only way to realise that dream was to find someone who wanted a long term relationship and who had enough financial stability to buy a place together with me. After the recent breakup, I don’t want to go down that route anymore. So this is the only way to make that dream come true. I am so close, yet it seems so far away.

Part of the reason for wanting to move is to further simplify my life. I currently rent out my basement on Airbnb and while I enjoy the work, I feel like I don’t want to share my space anymore. Even though the flat is self contained, I still have to be mindful of how much noise we make upstairs be available for my guests.  After three years of doing that, I think it is time to move into the next phase of my life.

I want to meditate and chant Buddhist Sutras. I want to listen to talks on YouTube without having to worry if my guests could hear. It means I will have much less money, but I am good with that. I know how much I need to live my life and I will have enough. It is not a flash or spectacular life, but it will be a fulfilling one.

The new house will be a 10 minute cycle ride for my son to get to his father’s house and this will help immensely as he gets older and wants to move freely between our houses. It also gives us access to more high schools which is important as we come to the last 3 terms of Primary school.

Everything is uncertain right now, but I am learning to be with it. I will do everything possible to make it work, and if it doesn’t happen I know I have the spiritual resources to cope with it as I have with all the other changes that are happening right now. I know I will be ok.

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2 Comments

  1. You sound like you’ve really got your head screwed on straight. Congratulations. If more people understood this, “you can’t have a relationship with a man who hasn’t woken up to his own heart” – oh, sigh. So much pain would be averted. But we learn, regardless. Happy house hunting! I think your contingent sale will come through 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Bela. I am really happy to be out of the war zone between his head and his heart. And believe me, I really got in amongst it to try and point him in the direction of his heart. In the end I had to accept he was a long way away from waking up. Thank you also for those good wishes. This time next week the auction will be over and I will know:).

      Liked by 1 person

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