It has been a  difficult day. The bank hasn’t returned my calls and neither has the real estate agent who promised to give me a rough idea of what my house is worth. I am slowly letting go of the idea that I might be able to buy the house by the sea. With only a disability pension as my main source of income, the bank just doesn’t want to take a risk lending me any more money. It doesn’t seem to matter that I have nearly paid off this house and have proven myself to be really good with managing it in the last 9 years I have been single. Not being able to bid at the auction next week is one thing, but having to face up to the fact that I don’t have any borrowing capability is harder to face up to. That means the number of things I can do as investment in the future on my own is very limited.

A week on from when I last saw my ex bf; my best friend really, is harder still. I know while it seems right now that I will never be happy again, that it is not true. It is just a story my mind is making up. I will be  happy without him and picking up the phone to call him will not change anything. I just have to be with this sadness until it eases.

We have tickets for a show based on my son’s favourite series of books; The 13th Storey Treehouse. I had planned to take my ex bf’s youngest son Sam with us when the show was first announced, but as the weeks passed, I kind of knew we were probably not going to be together by now, so didn’t buy him a ticket. When I talked to my son about going to the show yesterday, we shared a brief moment of sadness, because he too wanted to go with Sam. This breakup doesn’t just affect us, it affects our children too.

The pain is particularly strong right now. But it will lessen and life will go on.



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