I had a much better day today. I even felt the faint glimmerings of joy at one point this afternoon. It’s been a long time since I felt that way. I am beginning to think I hadn’t felt this way since before my last relationship began, back in October last year. It was always so fraught with worry and I felt constantly unsafe. It is good to know all that is behind me now.

The bank finally called last thing on Friday afternoon and said they can’t even give me what they call bridging finance; a temporary loan to buy the new place while I sell this one. Instead the best they could suggest was that I wait to see if the house remains unsold at auction and put in an offer conditional to the sale of this one. So chances of me being able to buy it are very slim indeed. I am still hoping go to the auction on Wednesday to see what it goes for. And who knows; if it has my name written on it, I might still get a chance to offer for it.

I am trying to stay unattached to the idea of moving house until then. My friend and neighbour who does my gardening is doing some tidy up work on the exterior of the house, but that is all stuff I would have had to do at some point. It means I have a head start if I do have to list the house next week.

Being with uncertainty has never been my strong point, so I know part of the reason joy has returned to my life is because I am beginning to regain an illusion of control. My happiness is no longer in the hands of another human being. Even in the midst of life’s ups and downs, I only have to concern myself with my son’s and my own well-being. And I had forgotten how good it feels to be free of all that extra responsibility.

One of these days, I am hopeful that contentment might creep into my life again.


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