Nowhere to Run

There was a time two weeks ago, when I felt like just leaving my body where it was and dissolving into the ether. My son had got into trouble at school, they were very uncooperative when we tried to give his side of the story and we had no options. But I knew I had nowhere to run. I just had to slide back into my body and do what needed to be done.

We are still treading water as far as school is concerned. The day started with a meeting with the new Deputy Principal for Student Support. At 1.20 pm, I had a call with her and my son who had pushed another child backwards against a filing cabinet after that child put my son in a headlock. At 1.40 pm, I was called again to come pick him up because he had run away when he was meant to be sitting quietly and eating his lunch.

I am progressing with plans for getting the Ministry of Education to approve us for admission to Correspondence School which would let me keep my son home and educate him for the rest of the year. I don’t want to do it, but where do you draw the line with regards to how long and hard you battle to explain things from his point of view and it falls on deaf years.

My new friend and constant companion of the last two weeks has been strangely silent since Friday. He had his little girl for the weekend, so I knew I shouldn’t expect a text from him. But nothing today either and  I know he would have had plenty of time. Another guy I had been writing to over the last 2 weeks played hard to get when it came to meeting for a coffee. It’s only friendship and I have no idea why he doesn’t want to meet me. But I had to let that one go as well because what use is a penfriend to me when it is real human connection and companionship I am after.

I miss Ian with a fierce longing and know that my love for him was true. But I also know with the same intensity that he was not at a place in his life where he valued what we had. So I don’t message him. There is no room in my heart for anyone else and I don’t know if there ever will be. The saying we don’t choose who we love is very apt in this situation. I let him into my heart and now I realise the cost.

My symptoms haven’t settled down to the pre-US levels, so this is my new normal. I had the CT scan on my abdomen and am waiting for the one on my legs. The numbness and pain in my foot makes me wonder if it is something serious. Guess I will know soon enough.

Life feels hard right now and no matter what I do to get it back on a firm footing, something else crumbles in the next minute. All I can do is take it minute by minute and hope I can survive.

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