I am currently reading a book called “Prince Charming Isn’t Coming” ; How Women Get Smart About Money. It has crystalised some key realisations I had been contemplating. When my last relationship was ending, I realised at some point in the process I let go in a way that meant, unlike in my younger days when I would crave contact with the person I had broken up with; something was different. I cared deeply about the person; loved them even. But I was also detached in a way that I had never been before with anyone I had let into my life. So what was different?
I had started hypothesising that it was to do with how much I had wanted to belong with someone. So much so, that I was prepared to give everything I had to obtain it externally through a relationship. The guy I was with had broken up with me when we had actually planned a party to celebrate our first year together and sent out invites to friends via Facebook. Having to face up to my friends and tell them we were no longer together was one of the hardest part of this breakup. I had thought that might be why I was so detached from him.
But after reading this booking, I now realise that part of me had always believed there was a Prince Charming out there for me. That it was through him that I would realise the dreams I had of having a proper family, of belonging and of having my house by the sea. Someone that would help me when I was down, take care of me when I needed to be taken care of. For this person, I was willing to go above and beyond and love whole heartedly. This dream came crashing down when he broke up with me two days after I returned from my 2nd hospital visit in as many weeks and to top it off, despite swearing he was my best friend, he refused to step in and take care of things when I was at my weakest. My other friends banded together and helped me sort out my life which included, getting my house ready for sale, finding a new house, moving house, getting my son started at his new school and getting better.
Without realising it at that point, the reason I was so detached from this person was, he had been the catalyst for me to finally let go of that dream of Prince Charming. I managed to do everything without the man in my life stepping into help. Yes, male friends helped. But I choreographed the whole thing. They did not have to take over everything for it to happen. I even achieved my dream of living by the ocean.
Since the beginning of this year, I had made a couple of male friends, who I treated the same as I had my partners previously in how I shared meals and opened up my house and home to them. They were not romantic partners, but I treated them well. Then one of them got randomly angry at my helpful suggestions and the other kept taking without any sign that he would be willing to reciprocate. And without much further ado, I gave them their marching orders. I just could not be bothered putting up with bad behaviour. Something had changed within me and it was for the better. At first, it was really strange feeling resentful making coffee for someone who seemed to take it for granted that I would not mind making freshly ground plunger coffee for him while I just had a cup of tea. It felt uncharitable. Then I realised I didn’t need him in my life and could just let him go.
It is a lot to think about and I believe I have a long way to go. But I think I will finally stop giving my power away to men who do not deserve it.